10 Reasons Why Star Wars' Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Serial Jerk

[pashnak]

A hero? No. This is the guy responsible for virtually everything bad that happened in the Star Wars films.

by Robbie Boland

March 23, 2013

Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the greatest Jedi Masters to ever live. He was the first Jedi to have killed a Sith in over a thousand years, a general and war hero during the Clone Wars, and the Rebellion’s only hope in their darkest hour.

But if you think he was the epitome of a hero, you need only look a little closer at Obi-Wan’s work to discover that the man was responsible for virtually everything bad that happened in the Star Wars films. Here are 10 Reasons Why Obi-Wan Kenobi is a serial jerk.

1) He killed Qui-Gon

Qui-Gon died because Obi-Wan is either stupid, lazy or both. During the climactic lightsaber duel in The Phantom Menace, Darth Maul knocks Kenobi down to a lower platform. Obi-Wan decides to catch up not by running at super speed like he did on the Trade Federation ship at the beginning of the film, nor even by sprinting.

He jogs.

He literally just jogs casually, then seems incredibly surprised when he doesn’t make it in time to help. Did he somehow not remember that he had the ability to run really fast, or was he just taking a breather while Qui-Gon fought the most dangerous person the Jedi have seen in a thousand years? IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Obi-Wan's 'incredibly surprised' face.

2) He allowed the Death Star to be built (and caused the destruction of Alderaan)

It’s 100% on Obi-Wan that the Death Star was ever built in the first place. During Attack of the Clones, Kenobi has a chance to defeat the guy with the Death Star plans, Count Dooku, who is undoubtedly strong in the Force but even more undoubtedly OLD AS F#@&.

In the single most embarrassing moment of Obi-Wan’s career, he loses to a man who is approximately 438 years old. The only thing more shocking than Obi-Wan’s failure is the fact that Dooku’s weapon isn’t four lightsabers at the end of a Zimmer frame.

Old as f#@&.

3) He could have stopped Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side

After Qui-Gon dies and Obi-Wan grudgingly spends the next few years lecturing/bitching at Anakin at every available opportunity, everyone seems surprised when Anakin goes to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan is the closest thing Skywalker ever had to a father, yet Kenobi never treats him that way. Where’s the love? Where’s the encouragement?

MAYBE if Obi-Wan had played catch with Anakin more, or taken time out of his busy schedule fighting clone wars to grab a few beers, Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side could have been avoided.

The original odd couple. Seriously though, Obi-Wan is a total **** to Anakin.

4) He allowed Palpatine to take power

Admittedly, this isn’t all on Obi-Wan; the Jedi Council share the blame. This boils down to one question: How the **** wasn’t there A SINGLE JEDI MASTER WHO FIGURED OUT THAT SIDIOUS WAS PALPATINE? It couldn’t have been more obvious if Palpatine walked around accompanied by a neon sign saying, “I’m a Sith Lord”, powered by Force lightning and maniacal laughter.

If the Jedi couldn’t even figure out the identity of the Sith Lord when he was standing in the same room, they didn’t deserve to live.

But one of them has long, bright blue plastic fingers. Totes different.

5) He killed the Jedi

At the Emperor’s bidding, Darth Vader was almost singlehandedly responsible for the destruction of the entire Jedi Order, thus allowing Palpatine to take control of the galaxy with virtually no opposition. Oh well, what can you do, right? It’s not like there was a moment when Darth Vader was completely at the mercy of a Jedi.

EXCEPT THERE TOTALLY WAS. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan cuts off Anakin’s limbs. Sure, he could have ended Anakin’s misery and saved the Jedi a galaxy of hurt by decapitating him but instead, Kenobi just walks away. Turns out Karma’s a Sith.

To be fair, most people would have had that reaction on meeting this kid.

6) He was responsible for the deaths of 1.3 million people aboard the Death Star

You’re thinking, “Hang on, that Death Star was full of evil people that deserved to be exploded!” and it’s true, there were some unsavoury individuals aboard, but the Death Star also had janitors, independent contractors, childcare workers and even pet stores filled with puppies! And adorable kittens! If Obi-Wan had just handed over those droids, all of those innocent people, puppies and kittens would still be alive today.

And ducks. Don't forget the ducks.

7) He didn’t raise Luke to be a kick *** super Jedi

At nine, Anakin was “too old” to begin Jedi training in The Phantom Menace. It’s a little weird, then, that Obi-Wan waited NINETEEN YEARS before he started Luke’s Jedi training. Sure, he could have spent Luke’s whole life training him to become a kick *** super Jedi, but training him for a few days on the Millennium Falcon is almost the same, isn’t it?

Due to his lack of training, Luke has to visit Yoda at virtually the worst time for the Rebel Alliance. Then he leaves before he’s completed his training to go and help his friends. Because he’s underprepared, Luke loses his hand and his **** when he finds out that Vader is his father. He also can’t stop Han from being encased in Carbonite, which, in turn, almost causes the gang to get eaten by the Sarlacc back on Tatooine.

Of course, there’s also the issue of not training Leia to be a kick *** super Jedi, but she’s got girl germs so let’s not even consider that as an option unless we’re sure Luke’s dead, right Yoda and Obi-Wan?

Screw you, Obi-Wan did.

8) He didn’t stop Luke and Leia from getting it on

To be fair to Obi-Wan, this isn’t that big of a deal. After all, it’s not like finding out you have a long-lost twin would be a major revelation for an orphan. And anyway, even if you did meet your long-lost sister but didn’t know she was your sister, there’s no way you’d develop sexy feelings for her. OH WAIT.

Guess that titbit of information just didn’t come up at any point during the many hours spent flying to rescue said long-lost sister?

Now that's a Salacious Crumb. Oh wait, no it isn't. It's Leia.

9) He left Luke to die of hypothermia

Remember when Luke was dying on Hoth and Ghost Obi-Wan appeared to him? Presumably, being one with the Force, Obi-Wan can go wherever he likes, so does he go tell Leia or Han where to find THE ONLY JEDI IN THE GALAXY WHO IS THE ONLY HOPE OF DEFEATING THE EMPEROR? Of course not! Instead he delivers a cryptic message and fades away, completely ignoring Luke’s plea for help. Nice Obi-one, mate!

Not quite how it went down.

10) He almost stopped Luke fromsaving Anakin

Another thing Obi-Wan never got around to bringing up was the whole, “Darth Vader is your dad” thing. Because that clearly wouldn’t have been relevant for Luke to know. At all.

However, Kenobi was very happy to discuss how evil Darth Vader was, telling Luke that Vader “betrayed and murdered your father” and that he was “more machine now than man. Twisted and evil.” (Oh, really? And how did THAT happen exactly?)

If Luke had listened to Obi-Wan and set aside his feeling that there was still good in his father, Darth Vader would never have found redemption and the Emperor would have ruled unchallenged forever.

In short, Obi-Wan is a complete and utter *******.

Robbie Boland is a Sydney-based freelance copywriter and screenwriter. You can chat with him on IGN here and why not check out his excellent DeathStar PR Twitter account too?

[Havoc6538]

In the same vein, the Imperial Officer at the beginning of ANH that says "Hold your fire, there are no life forms" when R2 and 3P0 eject from the Tantive IV, is directly responsible for the destruction of the Empire.

If he'd said "Shoot it anyway", the droids never would have found Luke and Ben. Luke and Ben never would have left Tatooine and met Han and Leia, the Death Star plans would have been destroyed and the Battle of Yavin never would have happened. Princess Leia would have been executed, Vader would have concentrated on the Empire instead of geting side-tracked with Luke and Luke never would have become a Jedi to challenge the Emperor and give Vader his chance at redemption.