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The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink? It's on the house."

"No, thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"Well, sister," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

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There's this guy who walks into the doctor's practice with a frog on his head.

He sits down and the doc asks: well, what can I do for you today?

Then the frog answered: It started last week with a small lump under one of my feet.

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The Nun at Hooters.....

As someone who loves Hooters (I always get their steamed Oysters and wings), the entire time I was reading that joke, I was trying to guess if Thomas Crapper was going to be mentioned.

(FYI - at Hooters, they have a sign over the bathroom area calling it the Thomas Crapper.)

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You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"

* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"

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Here ya go fellas!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

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  • 2 weeks later...

A woman finds out in her wedding night that her husband only has gotten one leg and one artificial.

She calls her mother, being on the verge of despair and shouts at her...

MOM, he has only got one foot!!

On which her mom replies, Oh honey I wish I could be so lucky....Your father has only got 3 inches

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From memory - not exact...

An old couple is roused from sleep by a noise in the back yard. The husband looks out the window and sees someone stealing gear from his shed.

He calls the police and says someone's trying to rob his garage. The police say they have no units in the area and to go back to sleep. He hangs up, waits 30 seconds, calls again, and says someone's breaking in to his house with a gun.

Not a minute later squad cars show up and arrest the guy. But before leaving the cop says to the old man "I thought you said he had a gun?". The old man replies "I thought you said you had no units in the area."

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face

was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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This blind man goes to the local bakery every day to buy a sesame seed bun. After he has payed he rubs over the bun, laughs and walks out the door.

Until one day when he buys another bun, rubs over it and says that he wants a new one. When the counter employee asks him why he says...I already know this story..

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A traveling salesman is driving in a rural area at night and, after so long on the road, his urges start getting the better of him. Looking out his window he notices that he's driving by a pumpkin farm and the gleam of the moonlight on them gets his mind racing.

Unable to control himself and seeing that there was not a soul around, he pulls over and leaps into the patch. He cuts a hole in one that he finds particularly shaped like a woman's behind and gets going.

Just as he's in the throws of lust he feels a tap on his shoulder. A police officer saw his car and then the man. He asks "What do you think you're doing, mister?"

The man thinks for a second: "Is it midnight already?"

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