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Tyranus
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A city-boy was hiking across some farmland, and one day he stumbled over a large field of wheat.

All the wheat was harvested already, except for 2 circular patches.

Just by, he finds the farmer and asks him: "Why haven't you harvested all the wheat?"

"Well kid, that closest circular patch is where I first time had sex."

"Oh, I see. What about that other one?" the kid asks.

"That's where the mother stood watching."

the farmer replies.

"Oh my God! What did she say?!"

"Moooo....."

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A penguin is taking a drive down a country road on a warm summer day. A couple of hours into the drive, his car dies and smoke starts coming out from under the hood. The penguin calls for a local tow truck and has his car towed to a garage at the nearest town.

At the garage, the mechanic tells the penguin to come back in an hour. With nothing to do, the penguin decides to check out the town. After walking for a little while, the penguin gets hot and decides to stop by an ice cream shop. He orders a small bowl of vanilla, but after tasting it, he decides to buy a whole gallon and gobbles it down. Refreshed, but with his face covered in ice cream, he heads back to the garage.

When he arrives, the mechanic slides out from under the penguin's car, looks at him and says, "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly rubs his face and says, "Oh no!...it's just ice cream."

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LOVING HUSBAND

A man breaks into a house to look for money

and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He

orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict

gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets

up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers

over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped

convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of

time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants

sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he

tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates

you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets

angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my

neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's

***, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

...I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you, too."

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Ha ha ha!!!! Hey wait a minute That's kinda scary!

Here's one:

Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable.'

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I just got this and thought I would share.

If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your cr edit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and le ave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub of water. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you -- you're on the computer!!!!

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This should last ya a few days....

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes and no.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-----------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: 'Let me see your report card.'

Son: 'My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

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TILL DEATH DO US PART

A woman wakes up one night and finds her husband at the kitchen table, holding their marriage certificate and wiping tears from his eyes. The woman is so touched by this that she sits down next to him and holds his hand. "What is it honey?" she asks.

Without taking his eyes from the marriage license, the husband replies, "Do you remember when we first started dating and the first time we made love?" "Yes" she says, "how could I forget?" "And do you remember how your father caught us in your bedroom?...and then told me that I had to do the right thing and marry you to make you an honest woman, or else he'd have me arrested for rape and locked up for 20 years?" "I do, honey..I do" she says. The man wipes another tear from his eye and says, "I'd be getting out tomorrow".

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Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house.

"The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

They say the father made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!

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A man takes his wife to an exclusive country club for a round of golf. When they got to the 9th hole, the husband says, "Now honey, be careful here. This fairway is really close to the mansions on the edge of the course." Well, sure enough the wife slices the ball and it crashes through an ornate staind glass window. Embarassed, the husband takes his wife to the house so they can apologize to the owner.

When they arrive, they knock on the door and hear someone inside tell them to come in. As soon as they enter, they see an older, but well-built man standing in the living room wearing no shirt and silk pajama pants. Next to the man, on the floor, is a shattered antique oil lamp that was made of fine crystal and the golf ball.

"I'm so sorry", says the man. "I told my wife to be careful." The older man gently smiles and says, "No need at all to apologize. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped inside that lamp for over 1,000 years. In fact, I want to thank you and your wife for setting me free. For that, I'm going to grant you 3 wishes."

The man can't believe his luck! He thinks about it for a moment and then says, "For my first wish, I want a beautiful house in the nicest part of every country in the world." The genie replies, "Your wish is granted. Tomorrow you can travel to any land and stay in your own mansion." The man is thrilled, so he then asks for an unlimited supply of money. The genie again tells him, "Your wish is granted. Tomorrow your account will be filled beyond those of the wealthiest men in the world." Finally, the man asks the genie for fun and joy for the rest of his life. The genie tells him, "Your wish is granted. You will never see a somber day again."

At that moment, the man felt life couldn't be any better. The genie then says to him, "Now that I've done these things for you, I would like to ask you for one simple request." "Of course" says the man, "anything you want." The genie then says, "I've been alone for so many years, and your wife is so beautiful....I was wondering if I could just spend this one afternoon in bed with her, to make love until the sun goes down." The man is surprised, but then reasons with his wife and says, "You know, he DID grant all our wishes...and he said we'll never be unhappy." The wife agrees and goes upstairs with the genie.

Later that night, after hours of lovemaking, the wife is laying in bed next to older man. The genie looks at her and asks, "How old is your husband?" The replies, "He's 38...why do you ask?" The older man chuckles a bit and says, "38 huh?....and he STILL believes in genies?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Okay this is from an e-mail my wife sent me earlier today:

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,

it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood,

it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Dumb ***.

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A man is trying to leave the bar after a few hours of hard drinking but finds himself lying on the floor after tryin to get up from his barstool.

He crawls back up and thinks: maybe If I have a couple more I will be more able to get up and leave.

So he does, and at his 2nd attempt he falls even harder to the ground and decides that it will be the best thing to crawl back home.

Finally home, he goes to bed to fall fast asleep until he is rudely woken by his wife...HARRY, HARRY!! You have been drinking too much again haven't you?!?! He says: yeah, why? The wife: Because you left your wheelchair at the bar again!!!

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A man turns 40 years old to find...

His hair is half the thickness it was at 20 (or less), yet his beard grows faster. He wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night to hit the john. His memory isn't what it used to be. Since kids, he's stopped working out so is also out of shape. His hearing goes, so not only does he miss things being said he talks a little loud sometimes too. He needs glasses all the time. He drives a mini-van, and the days when a young woman may look at him with wink and a smile have long faded unless she's a hooker, or incredibly fat with bad complexion. Everyone he works with is 10 years younger than he is. They're all good looking, in shape, and get lots of rest and sleep. His kids eat up all his free time and disposable income. He cannot remember the last time he played a video game.

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Okay.......some of that is true.....well actually only the part about the beard growth and kids. How did scootch solve the problem of turning 40? Easy! I'm still 12 mentally....the missing *******! Video Games whenever possible and the kids have their nick-names for me...DGAF DAD, Captain Morgan, etc... Oh and as far as the hearing goes.......it's more like selective hearing loss defined as "Blocking out the ol lady and her mother" ha ha ha!

Here's one for my buddies in the Mexican Garrison

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was

manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars

of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was

to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New

York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise

ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make

it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was

forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly

awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish

was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they

still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,

of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

Hey it's just a joke okay??? You know I love you!

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Why can't we trust women...??

Would you trust anything that bleeds 5 days in a row and still isn't dead..

Just to balance it off...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how

is everything going? ' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. ' The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain, ' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ' symmetrically balanced, ' as she put it.

That is a fair point, ' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away. ' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation? '

' Just fantastic, ' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. '

God thought for a moment and said, ' You know, Eve, you are right. How

could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately

create a man from a part of you.

Now let ' s see............where did I put that useless ***?'

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  • 3 months later...

I heard this today!

The owner of the cafe where I do breakfast asks the waitresses to taste this "Chili Colorado" sauce he made.

They all said it tasted like enchilada sauce.

So he trys for a second opinion with my waitress.

"This is the best f-ing sauce ever!" He says...." It tastes fantastic!"

She says, "You need to stop licking the windows in the short buss!" :lol::lol::lol:

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Another blonde joke...

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick. "

I've not checked this out, but it sure is funny!!

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small -town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

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Not really a joke but a **** good story...

Subject: Black Robbers

By far the best email i've read so far....For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this:(And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.

But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"she told her husband and carried the

coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.

Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and another second,and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!

Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her to do what they told her.

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.

A shower of coins rained down on her.

Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.

They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.

I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."

He spoke genially. He bit his lip.

It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.

She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.

How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?

She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room.

She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.

At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they

walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed; Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan

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Ok last one...

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'

She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY'

She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'

She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'

She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5 She does not 'NAG' you

She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'

She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'

He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'

He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'

He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING'

He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***'

He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants

It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

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  • 3 weeks later...

Why did God make midgets?

So the fat people would have someone to laugh at.

Sorry if that goes to far. I know it's politically incorrect. Please delete if you need to. :huh:

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